


All My Roads Lead To You

by hunters_retreat



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M, Separations, Sibling Incest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-10-06
Updated: 2013-12-31
Packaged: 2018-01-06 22:34:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,802
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1112311
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hunters_retreat/pseuds/hunters_retreat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The letter on Sam’s table isn’t just any letter.  It’s the key to finding his brother.  After five years, Sam is finally ready to read the letter so cleverly labeled ‘do not open’.  What he isn’t expecting is a road trip down memory lane that just might explain the inexorable pull between the brothers.   As each stop brings up old memories, can Sam listen to what his brother is trying to tell him?  And in the end, is he strong enough to look at his past and find his own truth?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Do Not Open

 

 

 

Sam Winchester stared out the window, ignoring the burn as he drained the rest of the whiskey.  He’d had a long week – hell a long semester – but the school year was over and Sam had turned in the last of his student’s grades the day before.  He had nothing to worry about until the end of summer when he’d find out the schedule they wanted him to teach.  If he decided to stick around for the fall semester, that was.  
  
Sam sighed deeply, taking one last look out the back door window across his yard before he turned away.  It was avoidance at its best but he was well versed in how to keep his mind off things he didn’t want to think about.   
  
Four years he’d been teaching anthropology at the local college, one year figuring himself out before that, making the papers stick and finding a way to live without Dean at his side.  There were days he couldn’t breathe without feeling the phantom ache of his brother’s presence and there were days that he cursed him with every breath because he wasn’t there.  He had no idea how Dean had managed the hole in his life when Sam was at Stanford. He understood why Dean hadn’t come for him though, understood why his brother had given him the space he needed back then.  He also understood why Dean had come back when their father had gone missing because after five years of being without Dean, Sam would take any excuse he could find to go to his brother.  
  
“What are we doing, Dean?” he asked the empty room.  
  
After Sam got his memories back – everything from Hell and that last soulless year – it took six months to come to terms with what had happened to him.  Well, not come to terms exactly but he’d finally gotten back on his feet and wasn’t as dependent on his brother as he had been.  Not that he’d been very independent before then but Sam had a bruised enough ego that he didn’t need to be reminded of that.    Dean had given him those six months, made sure Sam was ready to be on his own, and then he’d taken off.  Whereabouts still unknown.  
  
Dean had tried to explain it to Sam at the time, telling Sam it was their only chance at having a normal life.  Sam had tried to argue, but he was reeling from his brother’s words and anger had always been his first defense.  After everything they’d been through together he didn’t understand how Dean would walk away then, not when everything finally looked clear.  He’d held Dean back too long though and Sam was still haunted by the family Dean had left behind to help his soulless brother.  He hadn’t heard from Castiel since that day either, nor seen hide nor hair of any angel or demon since that day.  
  
Sam hadn’t heard from Dean at in those five long years.  Except …  
  
Sam looked at the envelope on the table, the letter he’d looked at every day since the morning he moved in.  Sam had set himself up nicely, bought the house, and woke up the next morning with mail in the box.  There was no stamp so Dean had been by, checking up on him.

  
At least he knew his brother had been alive then.  Nothing else had come and Sam still hadn’t opened the damn letter.  There was a simple reason for that.  On the front was Sam’s name in his brother’s big bold lettering.  On the backside was a simple message.  Do not open.  
Five years though and Sam knew what the letter was.  That letter was his way out, a way back to Dean and whatever history lay between them.  The letter was Dean’s way of making sure Sam could find him even if he didn’t want to give Sam an easy road home.  
  
The itch at the back of Sam’s mind was always there, the need to open the letter.  To see what Dean had taken the time to write for him.  The letter didn’t feel fatalistic like the one Dean had written when he thought he was on his way to becoming Michael’s meat-suit.   
  
It felt like a ticket home and Sam was ready. 

 

 

  


  
  
It took a trip to the deli, a few hours of laundry, and another beer before Sam found himself sitting at the table.  The letter said “do not open” but Sam knew he was going to.  The time was right and he was ready to find his brother.  He didn’t know what would happen then.  Even when he’d been looking at the college and the house he’d purposely avoided admitting to himself that the place would be big enough for the two of them.  There was an unused garage to the side where the Impala would fit perfectly.   
  
There were three bedrooms, one that had been turned into an office and the other that hadn’t really been touched because he avoided the room completely.  He was too busy ignoring that the room was Dean’s to do anything to it.  Without Dean there, the house was little more than another roof over his head.  If felt less like home than the motels he’d grown up in but he wasn’t ready to give up that illusion just yet.  
  
Sam took the last pull from his bottle and stared out the window as his fingers traced the edges of the envelope.  If he waited any longer the sun would start to fall behind the trees in the back yard and he’d put off opening the letter for another day.  
  
He dropped the bottle to the table and grabbed the envelope with both hands.  He let his fingers run over the seal then slid his finger up under the fold to get started.  He ripped the envelope open and pulled the letter out.  There was a single sheet of paper and he knew Dean’s writing even at a glance.  Sam closed his eyes for a moment, then resigned himself to reading.

 

 

 


	2. Kansas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The letter on Sam’s table isn’t just any letter. It’s the key to finding his brother. After five years, Sam is finally ready to read the letter so cleverly labeled ‘do not open’. What he isn’t expecting is a road trip down memory lane that just might explain the inexorable pull between the brothers. As each stop brings up old memories, can Sam listen to what his brother is trying to tell him? And in the end, is he strong enough to look at his past and find his own truth?

The next morning saw Sam on the road.  Although he’d only made the drive once, he knew the way without having to look on a map.  His one remembered trip was memorable enough to need no reminders.  He pulled up in front of his family home and stopped, wondering if Jenny was still there or if she’d moved out after Sam and Dean had last seen her.  He couldn’t blame her if she had, even though their mother had made sure that nothing else haunted the house.  
  
He parked his red 68 AMX on the street and sat there for a moment, just gripping the steering wheel.  The AMX wasn’t the same as the Impala, but Sam had learned to read alongside the noise of a muscle car and he found driving wasn’t the same when the car was something modern and quiet.  He’d let Dean walk away but it didn’t mean he didn’t miss his brother and the day Sam had walked into the dealership and found the beat up car he’d felt closer to him.  He couldn’t fix all the damage up himself, but a little help from Bobby and a little know-how Dean had passed on and Sam was doing alright with her.   
  
He sat there for a few minutes longer before he got out of the car and crossed the street.  The house still looked the same, though there were lace curtains up now.  He remembered wondering about the curtains the first time he was there, wondering if his mother had put curtains up or if Jess would have when they got married.  
  
Sam had barely knocked on the door when it opened.  Jenny smiled at him which was better than how ragged she’d looked years before when Sam and Dean had first met her.  “Jenny, um, hi.  You probably don’t remember me.”  
  
“Of course I do.  Come on in, Sam.  I expected you a long time ago.”  
  
She led him into the living room and he followed quietly, unsure of what to say after her announcement.  “Just one second,” she said as she disappeared from the room.   
  
The house was well kept and photos lined the walls.  Sam remembered the two little ones in a vague way but couldn’t call to mind their names.  Dean would know them.  His brother was like that, pretending not to care about things like that, get in and get the job done he always said, but Dean was always the one that remembered the names.  He wore the names of the people they saved on his sleeve like a patch.  The ones they couldn’t were like millstones, dragging around his neck, until he could barely walk at times.   
  
“Here you go,” Jenny said as she came back in, carrying a small box for Sam.  “Dean showed up here a couple years ago and asked if I’d keep this in case you came looking for him.  After what you two did for me, it was the least I could do.”  
  
They talked for a while then, Jenny telling him about Sari and Richie and how they were doing and how she felt about living in Lawrence,  
Kansas.  As nice as the reunion was though, Sam really just wanted to get out the door and open the box that he held in a death grip.  
  
One glass of iced tea and a half hour later Sam was finally able to get out the door without feeling like he rushed through.  He said his good byes to Jenny and wished her and the kids well, then high tailed it out.  He wanted to just stop on the side of the road and open up the box but he couldn’t for some reason.  It feels wrong to open the letter on some arbitrary side road.  Dean told him, just once, about a park that was close to their house where their dad used to take him to play.  Their mom would pack a picnic basket and she’d sit with the baby and watch as Dad would pass the ball with Dean.  More than once Sam wondered if it had really happened, or if Dean had made the story up for Sam.  As he got older, he wondered if Dean made the fantasy up for himself.   
  
He found a park close by and even though summer was in full swing the park wasn’t too busy.  It was closer to dinner time than Sam had realized when he left Jenny’s but he felt relieved by the solitude.  He had the swings to himself and Sam sat in one, the box in hand, but he made no move to open it yet.  He thought about the life he could have had, the one where his mother had lived and the supernatural never touched him.  The one where his mother and father brought him to the park and his older brother didn’t have to learn how to protect him at so young an age that it defined them.  A life where his world wasn’t defined by his brother’s ability to be everything Sam needed.  He thought about a life where Azazel had left him alone after his mother’s death, where Jessica was still alive and he’d asked her to marry him.  A life of law school and, by now, a family.  He imagined Jess and a home but every time he tried the picture slipped away to the home he had now and the echo in each room that sounded a lot like his brother.  
  
When the sun began to go down Sam finally opened up the box.  A postcard was resting at the bottom and Sam ignored it for the envelope that was inside.  He opened the envelope quickly, hunching over closer to read the words his brother had written.

 

 

 

 


	3. Indiana

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The letter on Sam’s table isn’t just any letter. It’s the key to finding his brother. After five years, Sam is finally ready to read the letter so cleverly labeled ‘do not open’. What he isn’t expecting is a road trip down memory lane that just might explain the inexorable pull between the brothers. As each stop brings up old memories, can Sam listen to what his brother is trying to tell him? And in the end, is he strong enough to look at his past and find his own truth?

“Hey Sam, how are you?”  
  
“Doing good, Bobby,” Sam answered into the phone with a genuine smile.  When Dean had walked away, Sam had turned away from hunting.  His only concession was a monthly phone call from Bobby.  They talked about hunting sometimes, throwing ideas back and forth but Bobby never tried to pressure him back into the business and if he called a time or two for extra help with a little research, Sam didn’t mind at all.  After everything Bobby had done for them over the years, he felt good when he was able to lend a hand.  
  
“You said you weren’t gonna teach this summer.  You gonna come out and say hello?”  
  
Sam took a deep breath, feeling a surge of affection for the older hunter.  “I don’t know.  I’m … I’m on a road trip.”  
  
“And you can’t fit South Dakota into your busy schedule?”  There was no hurt in Bobby’s voice, just the sound of amusement.  
  
“It’s not my schedule.  I don’t … I don’t actually know where I’m going Bobby.”  
  
“What the hell are you involved with boy?”  
  
Sam sighed.  “Dean.”  
  
There was silence on the other end of the phone before Bobby let out a tired, “Sam.”  He knew then that Bobby was well aware of what Dean had done.  “Sam I need you to listen.  I know you love your brother but you need to really pay attention to what he’s saying to you here.  It’s … hell Sam I’ve been watching him deal with this shit almost as long as I’ve known you boys and it’s been hard on him.  You got doubts about finding him, after all is said and done, then you walk away and you go back to your house and your teaching and forget you ever started looking, alright?”  
  
“Bobby, what the hell are you talking about?”  
  
“Sam, just think about it before you act, alright?  That’s all I’m asking.  Dean’s got something to say and you need to listen real hard because you’re the one thing he’s always put himself all out there for and of all the creatures Dean has faced, you are still the most dangerous one to him.”  
  
“Bobby, he’s my brother.  I’d never hurt him.”  
  
“You have and you did and you will again if you ever meet up.  Sam, it’s just who you two are.  You clash, you fight, you find your way back to one another.  Just remember that he’s gone through all this for you.”  
  
“Yeah Bobby.”  Sam was thrown by the conversation and wasn’t sure what to say after that.  Normally they talked a few minutes about anything new, Bobby mentioned hunts he was working on, and would offer up a simple, “he’s still doing good,” at some point and that was all he ever said.  Since the day Dean had walked away, Sam and Bobby hadn’t had an actual conversation about him.  
  
“Where are you now, Sam?”  
  
“Indiana.  Just outside of Lawrenceburg.”  
  
“Just think about what I said before you do anything, got it?”  
  
“Yeah Bobby.  Take care, alright?”  
  
“You too Sam.  And Sam, when you find him, give me a call.”  
  
“After all that warning, you still think I’m gonna look for him?”  
  
Bobby snorted on the other end of the phone and his first words didn’t surprise Sam at all.  
  
“Idjit.  You boys stopped the apocalypse but even Winchesters are mortal.   Some things can’t be stopped, no matter how far Dean went to do just that.”  
  
“You know you aren’t making any sense, right?”  
  
“I will.”  
  
Sam laughed a little at that, because while the tone sounded off, it didn’t sound life threatening.  Whatever Bobby was referring to he wasn’t happy about it.  So long as Dean was okay though Sam had a chance at making things right with his brother again and that was all that mattered.   
  
“Thanks Bobby.  I’ll talk to you soon.”  


 

  
Sam drove over to the wall and stared for a while.  After Dean mentioned the bed and breakfast he had to revisit the place so he’d stayed there the night before.  Sam remembered thinking it was really nice when he’d been twelve years old and used to living in run down motel rooms with stained carpets and scratchy bed sheets.  The place wasn’t much to look at now, overdone and overpriced, but back then it’d made Sam think of what it would be like to have his own bed and his own room.   Right up until that night, when they’d been on a hunt and the only think Sam had been grateful when Dean let him crawl into bed beside him.   
  
The wall of gas signs had fascinated Dean though and they’d spent more than one lunch hour sitting across the parking lot looking at the signs.  Road side attractions were just one of those things you grew accustomed to living on the road like they did.  They took the strange buildings and monuments as part of the experience.  Looking back, they were a good part of that life.  
  
Sam sat on the hood of the car, parked in a corner of the same shopping mall parking lot where a tree hung over the AMX, giving him a little shade from the midday heat.  The box was the same as the other, a beat up tin box that Dean must have bought in some scrapyard.  Or found at Bobby’s.   
  
There was a thick layer of dust on top, but then the box had just been sitting on the back of the counter, used as a paper weight until Sam went in and asked if there was any chance a guy named Dean had left anything for him there.  The manager had come right out and handed the box to Sam without asking any questions.  Sam had no idea how Dean managed to make these arrangements but his brother had always been creative.  The road trip was just the most recent example of that.  
  
He thought back to the call with Bobby from the day before and turned the box over in his hands.  He knew Dean was talking to him, and not just through the letters.  Dean was taking him on a trip to their past for some reason and it all meant something to his brother.  Sam just needed to keep his mind on Dean and their future and not get lost in the memories too much.   
  
He opened the next box, ignoring the postcard underneath to open up the letter.  Five years of being without his brother’s voice made him crave Dean’s written words more than anything.

 

 

 

 


	4. Nebraska

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The letter on Sam’s table isn’t just any letter. It’s the key to finding his brother. After five years, Sam is finally ready to read the letter so cleverly labeled ‘do not open’. What he isn’t expecting is a road trip down memory lane that just might explain the inexorable pull between the brothers. As each stop brings up old memories, can Sam listen to what his brother is trying to tell him? And in the end, is he strong enough to look at his past and find his own truth?

He knew where he was headed and he didn’t bother checking a map to get him started.  Nebraska was a long drive from Indiana.  His head was reeling with Dean’s words and he needed the familiarity of the road to help him deal with Dean’s revelation.  What Sam remembered most about that hunt was Dean carefully taking care of him afterwards and his father’s disgust with him when Sam got hurt on his first big hunt.  Dad hadn’t even walked into the room with them, just watched Dean to make sure he could care for Sam from the doorway before he ran.  He remembered curling up that night thinking just that once he could let his brother see how weak he was, especially when he had so obviously already seen it.

  
He didn’t remember much about Dean stitching him up, but he did remember sleeping next to his brother and feeling safe for the first time since he’d started trying to be more independent.  He remembered pressing into Dean’s side and wishing his brother could make everything go back to the way things were before he knew about the things in the dark.   
  
The AMX hummed under him, so like the Impala but not at all the same, and what Sam really wanted was to be in the passenger seat with his brother at his side.  He didn’t know how to deal with Dean’s confession or what it meant, but he missed his brother and he knew, no matter what, that they’d deal with his feelings and move on.  They had to.  He didn’t think he could go another summer without road trips with his brother.  Without Dean to tease him about his long hair or the books he read as Dean drove them to god only knew where.  He needed the close proximity of living in his brother’s pocket, not because he couldn’t live without his brother there to guide him or protect him, but because he loved his brother and he missed him.   
  
Dean had been the rock that Sam had anchored his life to and now that it was smooth sailing – so he hoped – he wasn’t about to look for someone else to tie himself down to.  
  
He had no idea what to feel about Dean’s confession and instead of worry he pushed his foot to the floor.  He had to get to Nebraska.  
  
  


  
When Sam got to Nebraska he was too exhausted to do anything but find a motel and crash.  He pulled into the motel they stayed in when they were last there and sank onto the bed, falling asleep before he could think to set the alarm on his phone.  He’d intended to go to the school during the day and check out the places they used to haunt, but it was too late by the time he roused himself.   He got cleaned up and found a diner on the main street.  It was already dinner time and Sam found something marginally healthy.  He wanted to head straight over to the school but as late as it was, he figured his walk down memory lane might just be better handled under full cover of night.  He couldn’t imagine Dean going to the school staff and asking them to hold onto something for Sam anyway.   
  
Instead, he found himself thinking back to Nicki, the girl who’d become his first girlfriend.  She was a slip of a thing, all dark hair and dark clothes and when Sam had shown up, head in a book and trying to keep to himself, she’d just sidled up beside him and smiled.  “I get it,” she’d whispered.  At lunch she’d joined him.  In a week they were inseparable.  In two weeks, she’d kissed him between the lockers as they ditched gym class.  She thought they were being cool but Sam had a series of bruises from hand to hand with Dean the day before and knew he couldn’t draw the sort of attention that would cause.  If the school called to complain about him missing gym class he’d hear about that from their dad, but only until he showed him the bruises.  Skipping gym class would be forgiven but he’d never be allowed to miss training.  
  
Dean had, to Sam’s annoyance and – still to this day – perplexity, dropped out of school and insisted on picked Sam up from school every day.  For the first time in Sam’s life he wouldn’t have minded the walk home, since he could walk Nicki home on the way, but Dean wouldn’t budge.  A few times he’d let Nicki in the back of the Impala for a ride, but most days it was just the two of them.  It wasn’t too bad, even with that.  Their dad was out most of the time, researching for a hunt the next town over.  It was a longer hunt, the kind that took a lot of digging and that had won John Winchester the admiration of so many hunters.  Dad could ferret out a pattern when no one else even guessed there was a hunt.  A long hunt meant Sam got to make friends and he and Dean hung out most nights, just the two of them.  When he thought back on Nebraska it was one of his better memories.  He wasn’t sure if it was Nicki or the time he got to spend with Dean that drew him the most but he’d been happy there.  
  
When the night fell around them, Sam made his way to the school.  The security measures were simple enough to bypass and Sam moved through the halls, enjoying the quiet walk through a school he’d actually enjoyed.  He found himself at the lockers, running his fingers across the numbers until he stopped at the bank of lockers in the corner.  That was where Nicki had pushed him back, giving him his first kiss.  He’d gone straight home after school and told Dean, unable to stop talking until Dean had uncharacteristically - at that point - told him to shut the hell up.

  
In the wall beside the lockers was a small design and Sam leaned over to get a closer look.  It wasn’t something that would have caught anyone else’s attention but Sam recognized the hoodoo symbol immediately.  Sam knocked softly around the symbol and realized there was a hollow spot in the wall.  He stood quickly and looked around for a second before bringing back his foot and kicking into the drywall hard.    The drywall gave way and Sam reached down, digging into the hole until he found what he was looking for.  Another tin box.   
  
Sam leaned back against the wall as he opened the box and pulled the letter out.  When he had the letter in hand he slid down to sit and read.

 

 

Sam stared at the papers in his hand for a long time, unable to do anything more than reread the letter over and over again.  He knew where Dean wanted him to go and Sam would rather go anywhere else.  It didn’t matter though because nothing hurt worse than Dean’s words.  Dean used to tease about quitting school and Sam being the smart one and Sam had always taken the jokes without pushing further.  He’d never wanted to dig more to find out why his brother quit school because Sam was afraid he knew why.  Dean had come out and said the words though, admitting that he’d given up any life outside of hunting so that Sam would have the chance at something else.   
  
He never knew Dean had been jealous.  Dean had always been so carefree about who he spent his time with that Sam had no idea how much the time they spent together had meant.  He had no idea their time meant the same to Dean as it had to him.      
  
He knew, in the abstract way, that his brother was beautiful.  Blind, deaf, or dumb, anyone that met Dean knew he was beautiful.  It was in the way he carried himself and the strength of his character that showed when he spoke or moved.  Sam also knew, in the abstract way, that Dean took care of him because admitting to that was like saying there was sky above the earth.  Hell would rise and heaven would fall before his big brother ever let him down and Sam knew that.  No matter than Dean’s letters kept apologizing for doing just that.   
  
There was nothing Dean could say that was going to stop Sam from finding him and he didn’t know how Dean thought it would.  Or Bobby.  
He closed his eyes and grabbed his phone because Bobby … he knew what the hell was going on.  
  
“Sam?”  
  
“Yeah, Bobby.”  
  
“Sam, are you okay?”  
  
“Did you know Bobby?”  
  
“Oh hell.  Did you call me this late to have his conversation, Sam?”  
  
“Yeah, I guess I did.  You knew … what Dean felt for me.”  
  
“Sam, I’m not getting in the middle of this.”  
  
“You knew.  How long have you known?”  
  
Bobby sighed softly on the other end of the phone and Sam felt a little guilty for possibly pulling the other man from bed.  “I pulled him aside years ago Sam.  I love you two like you’re my own but it doesn’t mean I don’t see the bad right along with the good and no brother should be so wrapped up in the other.”  
  
“I’d never intentionally hurt him Bobby.”  
  
Bobby snorted and it reminded him of his early promise when they’d talked.  “Sam, I was talking about you.  Dean would have dealt with how he felt all on his own, but he was always the first person you turned to, the only person whose opinion really mattered.”  
  
“You mean, you think-“  
  
“I mean what I said; I ain’t getting in the middle of this.  I know more about the two of you then is healthy for any man and I don’t need to know any more.  Just be careful, Sam.  You got a lot of power over that boy.  About as much as he’s got over you.  Remember that when you see him again.”  
  
The phone line died and Sam closed his eyes, letting his head fall back against the wall.  He could remember every first of his life, his first kiss, first blowjob, first time he’d had sex, and every one was followed by Sam running home to tell his brother.  He’d wanted his brother’s approval as much as he’d wanted the experiences themselves.  Maybe more.  
  
So much of his life had been defined by his brother, whether it was meeting his expectations or simply sharing with him.  Even when Sam had been at Stanford there had been times when he’d turned to say something and been disappointed to see Jessica at his side instead of his brother.  He loved Jessica, but she wasn’t Dean.  She didn’t know who he was and what he’d been through.  They didn’t have the same shared history.  Getting his first honest job hadn’t meant anything to her, but Dean would have known how much it meant to Sam to be able to honestly pay for rent and books.  As much as Sam loved the people in his life, no one but Dean could understand what living in the normal world meant to him.  
  
He suddenly felt too tired to move.  He knew he needed to get up.  He’d broken into the school and vandalized the wall to get the tin box from Dean.  He couldn’t be there any longer.  With a deep breath, Sam dragged himself up the wall and headed out the back again.  
  
He shouldn’t be tired, not after sleeping the day away and only going out for dinner and the school but he was exhausted.  Dean’s confession was starting to take its toll on Sam and Bobby’s words of warning were just making him more flustered.  They’d been through so much and yet Bobby and Dean were both acting like this was something Sam would allow to push them apart.  
  
Sam stumbled into his motel room and locked the door before salting it and checking the line under the windows.  He wanted to sleep but he was tense and he knew if he tried, he’d just toss and turn and give himself a headache in the end.  Instead, he stripped out of the day’s clothes and started the shower.       
  
The water was warm and Sam stood under the shower head, his head bowed to let the spray fall down the back of his neck.  He was trying hard not to think about Dean, not to wonder about what sort of life his brother was living.  He couldn’t be hunting because Dean had promised Sam he wouldn’t.  They’d both walked away.  That was the deal.   
  
He couldn’t picture Dean doing anything else though.  He knew Dean was smart and handy.  He’d held down plenty of jobs over the years when honest money was needed.  He’d been a mechanic and a diner cook.  Sam still remembered going into the diner after school and being greeting by Dean’s smile across the counter.   
  
Sam leaned back against the back wall of the shower then, letting the water pelt his chest and then soaped up the washcloth in his hand.  He closed his eyes as he started to wash the night’s burglary from his limbs.  
  
Dean used to tease that Sam ate so much he needed to work at the diner just to keep Sam fed.  It wasn’t too far from the truth.  Dean ate from his shifts and any leftovers came home with him for Sam.  Dad was gone and the two of them were left alone again.  Sam was sixteen, too old to be babysat but still too young for his Dad to feel comfortable leaving him alone for more than a day or two at a time.  Sam hadn’t minded.  He’d walked to the diner every day after school and sat with his homework watching Dean work.  Dean would laugh and flirt with the waitresses and the customers whenever he could but only Sam got his brother’s real smiles.  When he got off work he’d always slide into the booth next to Sam with whatever he was taking home and they’d share a coke or a shake before Dean would drag him out the door for the walk home.  
  
Sam let out a relieved sigh, remembering how much he’d always loved those afternoons.  It was part of the reason he had such a hard time with his father.  Everything ran so damn smooth when it was just Sam and Dean. Sam didn’t mind getting up early to run with Dean.  He’d get home from school and get his homework done and every night they’d do some sort of training, even if they were just finding an out of the way place to shoot weapons or to spar.  Dean always made him feel good about what they were doing though.  Training wasn’t a chore or a duty.  It sure as hell wasn’t his father’s obsession.   
  
What pushed his buttons was Dean’s smile when Sam did something right for the first time, the feel of his hand as he clapped Sam on the shoulder for a job well done.  He relished the feel of his brother as they fought, the push and pull of each engagement, the press of his body when Sam inevitably lost the round and ended up flat on his back.   
  
A moan left Sam’s lips at the memory of his brother above him, green eyes laughing down at him, the sun blocked and leaving a halo around his golden spikes of hair.  His hand dropped down his chest, suds trailing behind as Sam brought the wash cloth to stroke lightly at his cock.  Sam couldn’t remember what they’d been doing or what came after but he remembered wanting something in that moment, needing Dean to do something but he still didn’t know what.  Dean was smiling at him though, licking his lips and for just a second, Sam saw the way his eyes roamed over Sam’s body.  “Fuck,” he called out, coming without warning over the washcloth.  
  
He stared down his body, catching his breath, trying to figure out what the hell he’d just done.  It wasn’t … Dean hadn’t been like that when they were younger.  He hadn’t been ogling Sam when he wasn’t looking.  And Sam had never …  
  
He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, dropping the wash cloth to the shower floor before stepping under the water to wash away what remained of his release.  He got out of the shower, feeling even more exhausted than he had when he went in.  He dried himself off quickly and pulled on boxers and a tee shirt before sliding between the sheets.   
  


He tried not to think any more, but as he closed his eyes, memories of his brother flashed through his mind on a never ending cycle.  What kept him awake wasn’t wondering if Dean had wanted him.  The question that kept him awake was what exactly had Sam wanted from his big brother all those years ago?  And though he still hadn’t put a name to that need, had he ever really stopped?

 

 


	5. Oregon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The letter on Sam’s table isn’t just any letter. It’s the key to finding his brother. After five years, Sam is finally ready to read the letter so cleverly labeled ‘do not open’. What he isn’t expecting is a road trip down memory lane that just might explain the inexorable pull between the brothers. As each stop brings up old memories, can Sam listen to what his brother is trying to tell him? And in the end, is he strong enough to look at his past and find his own truth?

River Grove, Oregon was as empty as Sam remembered.  The croatoan virus had killed off most of the population and seemed to have killed the town itself.  Everything was boarded up and weeds poked up through the sidewalk making them more green than concrete.  He remembered the way well enough.  The bad hunts were like that, they stuck with him, the images and turmoil going round and round.  The revelations that this town had started for them just made Sam wanted to tuck tail and crawl back to the AMX.  He didn’t want to be there and he certainly didn’t want to be there alone.  He felt like the dead were watching him, and for someone who knew what the dead could do, it wasn’t a good feeling.  He knew it was all in his mind though, so he kept going, kicking loose stones on his way to keep his mind occupied as he made his way to the medical center.  
  
The front door was held closed with padlocked chains and Sam had to pull out his lock pick to get through.  He was a little rusty but he got the lock done quickly enough.  He smiled at the memories that rushed to him, Dean at his side in the middle of the night, watching his back while he worked a lock open.  Dean keeping an eye during the day as they popped a lock in an office building.  Always, Dean at his side, Dean standing between Sam and anything else that might come his way.  Dean has been standing between Sam and the ugliness for most of his life, Sam thought as he stood up, including what had happened inside the medical center.  
  
He pushed open the door and walked inside, suppressing the memories that wanted to overwhelm him.  So many things came to a head because of this hunt.  It was also the first time Sam had realized Dean might not be as into the hunting life as he’d always let on; Sam possibly infected and sitting on a table, watching his brother play with a gun and refuse to leave his side.  Dean said he was too tired to go it alone.   
  
Sam finally understood.  He understood why Dean had stayed.  He understood why he’d sold his soul for Sam when he’d died at Cold Oak.  He closed his eyes, leaning over until his head was resting against the metal examining table in front of him.  He understood why he’d been nearly catatonic when Dean had gone to Hell and how he’d been so consumed that he’d been willing to kill anyone to get him back.  He understood why he’d been so willing to jump into the pit with Lucifer to protect his brother from saying yes to Michael.  
  
He understood and he knew where he had to go.  There was no letter here for him to find.  There would be no more letters. 


	6. Homecoming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The letter on Sam’s table isn’t just any letter. It’s the key to finding his brother. After five years, Sam is finally ready to read the letter so cleverly labeled ‘do not open’. What he isn’t expecting is a road trip down memory lane that just might explain the inexorable pull between the brothers. As each stop brings up old memories, can Sam listen to what his brother is trying to tell him? And in the end, is he strong enough to look at his past and find his own truth?

He parked a mile back and walked the distance, not because he wanted the element of surprise, but because he needed the time to calm down.  The weather was warm but Sam noted, as he ran his fingers over the sleek black hood, that the Impala was cool to the touch.  Parked in the shade, she’d been there long enough to cool off even in the afternoon heat.  He wanted to pull open the passenger door and sit back, relax long enough to calm his shaking nerves but the Impala wasn’t the only thing that had been waiting.  
  
A blue cooler was resting up against the fence and Sam moved forward, pulling the lid open to grab a cold beer from inside.  The ice was starting to melt and Sam felt a pang at having kept his brother waiting for so long.  He opened the beer and took a long pull from the bottle anyway, doing his best to keep his eyes forward.   
  
The fence they were leaning against hadn’t changed any from the day Dean had explained the truth to him, that their father had told Dean to kill Sam if need be.  He’d been so angry then, betrayed by the father who’d taught him family was everything, betrayed by the brother who’d taught him that nothing could stand between them.  In the end, Sam’s anger was what got them into the whole damn mess but he hadn’t been ready to understand that back then.  
  
Dean was standing beside him now though, one foot up on the bottom rung of the wooden fence, drinking his beer as he waited for Sam to say something.   
  
“I knew we were different,” Sam said softly.  He didn’t look at Dean, but for the first time in five years he felt his brother’s eyes on him and it felt like coming home.  “I always knew that our family wasn’t like the others but I didn’t understand really.  It was you and me and Dad and we moved around a lot. I never thought anything of it until the first grade.  I was new to the school and the class was making cards for mother’s day.  I made a card for Mom with the other kids and never said anything about it, but I knew I was gonna take the card home and just burn it.  I didn’t know what it meant but I’d heard Dad talk about salt and burning his memory of something.  I thought that maybe the smoke would get to Mom though and so I used to do just that, dig a little hole, salt the cards, and steal one of his lighters to burn it.  That was just what I did with mother’s day cards.  As I got older, I did it with father’s day cards too because Dad was never around to have them.”  
  
Dean shifted around for a moment and Sam knew he was uncomfortable.  Anything that touched on Dad’s less than exemplary parenting skills did that to him but Sam wasn’t angry anymore.  “Anyway, I made another card that year.  This girl kept asking why I was making two cards, and did I have two moms.  I told her there wasn’t a brother’s day and my brother deserved a card too so I was making one.  She thought it was the best idea in the world and made one too.  The thing is, it wasn’t until she asked me that I really understood why we were different.  I always knew, but I’d never really stopped to look at why.”  
  
He took a long pull from the bottle and Dean did too, this time looking out at the tranquil pond.  He knew his brother understood what he was saying, that no matter what Sam was feeling, he’d needed Dean to help him look at it.  “Did you know what would happen when you started this?” Sam asked.   
  
He saw Dean looking at him from the corner of his eye.  “I didn’t know.  I had an idea, maybe a fool’s hope, but I didn’t know.  I wasn’t sure you’d even keep looking once you knew what I had to say.”  
  
Dean turned until his back was leaning up against the fence, looking straight at Sam.  Sam finally turned his head, looking at his brother full on.  Dean’s hair was longer than he used to keep it and Sam wanted to let his fingers catch on the golden strands and pull him in close.  Dean was giving Sam the same perusal he was giving Dean, mapping the differences five years had made.  Dean was just as fit as he’d ever been and Sam knew neither of them would ever be able to forgo their training completely.  They might not be hunting but the things that went bump in the night didn’t just stalk hunters.  They killed indiscriminately.  Dean wore the same style of clothes he always had, tough boots and tight jeans, though he was in a plain tee shirt without the other layers to accommodate the heat of the season.   
  
Dean had his elbows up on the top rung of the fence and his legs were crossed at the ankle as he leaned there, hips jutting out ever so slightly.  Sam wanted to reach over and touch him, to make the moment more real but he needed something from Dean first.  He needed his brother to finish what he’d started.   
  
“And what do you have to say Dean?  Now that I’m here?”  
  
He watched Dean’s throat work as he swallowed and Dean’s eyes were searching his then.  Sam wasn’t sure if Dean saw what he needed there or if his brother had just always been that brave, but then Dean was licking his lips.  “I’m in love with you.”   
  
There was no preamble to prepare him for Dean’s words in person, nothing to soften the blow.  Although Dean had already confessed his feelings in the letter, Sam felt his entire world shift at hearing the confession from his brother’s lips.  
  
“I have been since, oh hell Sam, I’m not sure I didn’t fall in love with you before you were born.  You were my everything.  Always.  I remember sitting in that room in the medical center though, and knowing that I couldn’t live without you.  I’d always tried so hard not to poke it, not to look too closely at what I was feeling but that hunt just took everything away.  Then I was standing here, telling you what Dad said to me, and I knew I’d never be able to do it, no matter if you did turn into a monster.  I was trying to tell you that you could never go darkside because I’d always be with you, but you were so damn angry and how the hell could I explain that it didn’t matter?  That whatever you did, you had me?  How could I tell you I would keep you safe, that I loved you, when I’d spent years living in denial of what you really meant to me?”  
  
Sam didn’t say anything.  After five years of absence, he still didn’t have to.  He leaned in, one arm against the top rung of the fence next to Dean’s and he breathed the words into his brother’s ear.  “I’m not leaving again,” Sam said softly.  “I’m not letting you go either.”  
  
Dean pulled away, looking up at him, waiting for Sam to make the next move.  If Sam chose to take the next step, he knew Dean would reciprocate.  If he backed off and wanted nothing more than brothers, then he knew Dean would accept that too.   
  
He dropped his beer bottle to the ground and cupped Dean’s face, pulling his brother’s lips to his.  It was a brief kiss, chaste and full of promise.  There was another thump on the ground as Dean’s bottle fell away.  His hand was cold from the bottle, but Sam welcomed the sensation as Dean grabbed the back of his neck, pulling Sam in closer.  Sam opened his mouth to his brother and then Dean’s tongue was sliding up next to his, tangling together.  Dean shifted his stance, letting his legs fall apart and Sam stepped in between them.  Dean’s hand clenched the back of Sam’s shirt and he was pulling him closer.  Sam followed, wanting nothing more than to give Dean whatever he wanted.   
  
“Fuck,” Dean whispered against his lips.  
  
Sam couldn’t help but smile.  He pulled back slightly, giving Dean the cockiest smile he had.  It was pretty damn arrogant, but he’d learned from the best after all.  “Thought that was the idea.”  
  
“Not here,” Dean said as he pushed Sam back enough to stand straight instead of lean against the fence.  Dean’s fingers were catching in the hem of Sam’s shirt though and as he started backing Sam up he pulled the tee shirt over Sam’s head, leaving it on the ground.  Sam would have stopped to ask what Dean was doing, because there seemed to be a disconnect between Dean’s ‘not here’ and the fact that he was stripping Sam, but then Dean was pulling their lips together again and Sam couldn’t think of anything but his brother’s lips.  
  
Jesus, over the years Dean had made plenty of comments about his prowess in bed, and Sam never really doubted him, but he’d never had a reason to find out for himself.  He knew now though.  Dean’s mouth was nothing short of decadent; lips soft but firm as he pressed against Sam, his tongue moving in wicked twists, learning every curve of Sam’s mouth.  Dean’s hands were tugging at Sam’s belt as he continued to walk him backward.  Sam didn’t care where he was leading him but he understood when he felt the back of his thigh hit metal.  
  
“Hell yeah,” he said as he grabbed for Dean’s shirt.  He stripped the shirt off Dean and didn’t give him time to stop and think before he reached for his brother’s belt loops pulling him closer.  Dean was pressed up against him then, bare chested and Sam couldn’t stop running his hands over his brother’s body, learning the scars and marks by touch that he knew so well by sight.  
  
When Dean pulled back next, Sam tried to chase him but Dean smiled at him.  “Hold that thought,” he teased as he walked to the back of the car.  He came back a second later with a blanket and spread it out over the hood just like he used to do when they were stargazing.  Dean toed off his shoes and Sam watched with a grin as Dean got rid of the rest of his clothes as well.  He approached Sam who got rid of his own shoes then.  When Dean’s fingers brushed down Sam’s chest, over his nipples, he shivered into the touch.  Dean let out a soft moan at that and then his fingers were working Sam’s belt open.  He closed his eyes and dropped his head to Dean’s shoulder and ignored the soothing sounds Dean was making to him.  Instead, he brought his hand up, tracing over his brother’s side.  Dean seemed just as worked up as Sam was, body shuddering at his touch.   
  
Dean didn’t waste time after that, but had Sam’s pants down and thrown to the side a second later.  When he crawled up the hood of the Impala and leaned back, Sam took the invitation and crawled right up beside him.  Dean pushed him down onto his back and then he was kissing Sam again while his hands began to explore Sam’s body.  Sam’s moans were caught in his brother’s mouth and he let his hands run over Dean’s arms and back.  He wanted to touch every part of him, to taste, and feel every bit of Dean, but this time, this first time, it was all about what Dean wanted.  After making his brother wait so long for this realization, Sam wanted to be everything Dean needed.  
  
When slick fingers touched his cock he pulled away from Dean’s lips, head dropping back against the car’s hood.  “Dean,” he moaned at his brother’s touch.  
  
“Yeah Sammy?” Dean asked, innocent as could be.  
  
Sam looked up at Dean to find him smiling down.  There were so many things he could say in that moment, but he smiled instead.  “Fuck me already.”  
  
Dean’s eyes widened but not as quickly as his smile.  “Gonna be demanding lover, aren’t you?”  
  
“You’ve known me my whole life and you have to ask?”  
  
Dean didn’t answer, but as his lips pressed against Sam’s, his hand moved away from Sam’s cock and slick fingers began circling Sam’s entrance.  He took his time spreading Sam out on the hood of the car, his fingers opening him up as Sam held onto Dean to keep himself from falling apart.  
  
“Sammy, need you,” Dean finally moaned into his mouth.   
  
Sam just nodded, unable to say anything.  He felt Dean grabbing for a condom and Sam reached up, finding the lube bottle and stash of condoms he’d thrown up with the blanket.  He opened the package and pushed Dean until his back was against the windshield.  He slid the condom down Dean’s cock and then stroked him, spreading more lube on him.  When Sam was satisfied with the way Dean was squirming under his hands, he straddled his brother.  Dean was lining his cock up and then Sam was able to feel the blunt head against his hole.  He gripped Dean’s shoulders and slowly lowered himself down his brother’s cock.  Dean’s grip on his hips was bruising as he tried to hold it together for Sam and that grounded him enough to finally make his way down his brother’s cock.   
  
When he was fully seated in Dean’s lap, Dean crushed their lips together, kissing him desperately.  Sam was just as needy and their tongues tangled until Sam purposely rolled his hips.  Dean moaned, breaking the kiss.  “Damn it, Sammy,” he whispered between them.  
  
Sam pushed him back against the windshield again and braced his arms on either side of Dean’s head.  “Come on, Dean.  Been waiting so long for this, haven’t you?  Been dreaming for years about fucking your baby brother on the hood of your car?”  
  
“You’ve got no idea the things I’m gonna do to you,” Dean said as he brought his knees up behind Sam’s back.  When Sam began sliding up and down Dean’s cock, his brother began thrusting in rhythm with him.  It was like everything else in their lives, their ability to read each other so fine-tuned that it was natural.   
  
“Want it all, Dean,” Sam offered.   
  
“You got it,” Dean answered.  “Always Sam, you got all of me.”  
  
He was so damn close to the edge and Dean’s words were everything he’d never realized he’d been waiting for.  The pleasure that had been slowly building was overpowering suddenly and he felt himself spilling over his brother’s stomach, muscles clenching around Dean’s cock as he thrust up into Sam over and over again.  
  
Then Dean’s hands were pulling Sam close and his tongue was sliding between Sam’s lips.  He felt Dean’s hips stutter to a halt and Dean was moaning as his orgasm hit.  He bit Sam’s bottom lip softly, then began working across his cheek and down his neck while they were both trying to catch their breath.  Sam grabbed Dean and pulled him back, resting his forehead against Dean’s.   
  
“Dean,” he whispered.  
  
“Yeah, Sammy,” his brother sounded blissed out and Sam couldn’t help the smile that spilled across his lips, knowing that he did that.  
  
He pulled back enough that Dean looked up at him.  “I love you.”  
  
Dean’s eyes widened but then he was smiling shyly at Sam.  “Yeah?”  
  
“Yeah.  Think I’ll keep you after all.”  
  
Dean let his head back and laughed and Sam mirrored him, happy in ways he hadn’t been for a long time.  
  


  
  
Dean’s house was in a Baltimore suburb.  He was on the outskirts with a large yard and plenty of open space to breathe for a boy who’d grown up on the road.  Sam fell in love with the place as he pulled into the driveway.  There was something right about looking out the window and seeing the red AMX parked next to the sleek black lines of the Impala.  Almost as right as waking up in the morning in his brother’s arms.  
  
He knew Dean was awake, even if his brother wasn’t moving.  He was thinking something over but Sam had no desire to stop him.  He had one hand buried in Sam’s hair and the other was weaving patterns over Sam’s back and arms.  It was an unconscious motion, something Dean had been doing to calm himself for years.  Sam never mentioned it because he always felt good knowing that Dean got comfort from touching him.  He snorted to himself.  Yeah, Dean hadn’t been living in denial all by himself.   
  
“Sammy?”  
  
He burrowed deeper into Dean’s neck and sighed.  
  
“Thought I could show you around town today if you want.  But … I uh … I have to go back to work tomorrow Sam.”  
  
Sam looked up then, feeling the nervousness in his brother’s body.  “Forgot to ask about that last night,” Sam admitted with a smile, hoping to put Dean at ease.  As early as it had been when they got home the night before they’d fallen in bed together and hadn’t come up for breath, let alone conversation.  “I don’t even know where to begin to ask about the last five years.”  
  
“How about with our jobs?”  
  
Sam laughed as he leaned up on one arm to watch his brother.  “Alright.  So I teach anthropology at a community college.  What about you?”  
  
“Knew you’d get back to academia somehow,” Dean teased.  “I uh … well it took Bobby about a year to find someone who could erase the fingerprints and clear all the shit in the way, but I … uh.”  
  
“Come on Dean.  What do you do?”  
  
“I’m a cop.”  
  
He stared at Dean for a minute in silence, his brother watching with growing anxiety in his eyes, until his shock finally gave way to laughter.  He laughed so hard he had tears streaming down his cheeks.  Dean seemed surprised at first, but then his expression fell into amusement.   
  
“Yeah, yeah, yeah, laugh it up professor.”  
  
“Sorry Dean, I just … you hate the cops.”  
  
Dean shrugged.  “I found a good precinct.  I was looking for something to do and I got a call from Detective Ballard.  You remember her Sammy?  Dirty partner who tried to frame us?”  
  
Sam nodded, remembering the case and the woman Dean was talking about.  “They had a missing girl and she thought it sounded funny.  I wasn’t too far away and came out to help.  It ended up being human but we got to talking and … Detective Ballard wrote me a recommendation for the academy.  I’ve been working with her.”  
  
“You graduated at the top of your academy class, didn’t you?”  
  
Dean’s cheeks turned a shade darker and Sam smiled.  “I still get to help people, you know?  Just without the world hanging in the balance.  It’s good here, Sam.  I’m good here.”  
  
Sam nodded as he let his eyes roam over the slate grey walls of Dean’s bedroom.  This was a home, something Dean hadn’t had since he was four years old.  “Yeah, you are.”  
  
“I’d be better if you were here too.”  
  
Sam felt his breath catch and he had to look away before he embarrassed himself completely.  “I have a house.  The place is just white walls and rooms that are still waiting to be filling.  I’ve been there for four years and it’s still not home.  Guess I know why now.”  
  
“Why’s that?”  
  
Sam looked at Dean and smiled softly.  “It never felt like home because it wasn’t.  It couldn’t be.   You took me on a hell of a road trip Dean, but in the end, I found my way home.”  
  
Dean pulled Sam’s lips to his and they were both breathing heavily before Dean pulled back and smiled.  “Yeah, I know what you mean Sammy.  All my roads lead home, in the end, because all my roads lead to you.”

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Huge thank you to smidgeson for the beta on this one. As always, she rocks and makes me a million times better! *hugs* Another thanks to the mods of the samdean_otp on live journal for hosting the mini bang! And lastly, to moodilylit for the amazing art she did! She surprised me with two scenes from the story today and I'm so thrilled with it! I'm sure she's ready to kill me for the lateness of my posting (sick kids do not make great posting dates. Neither do laptop batteries when they die and take away the nicely formatted posting that was all but ready to go *sighs*). But we made it! *hugs* Please go check out her artwork because it was amazing and she deserves some serious love for this!


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